I think I really just need to cry but who has time for that? Surely soon it will go away and I'll feel better then I do right now. It's just that sometimes it's so very hard. This job I have been given to do. I love them so much and I try all the time, every minute of every day to make the right decisions, to do the right thing. Sometimes I just get so tired.
Last night Steven has a major meltdown. He's had a rough few months. He seems to have so many problems. I worry about his future more so than Baileigh. She has her issues but nothing like him. He wanted me to take him to bed. It was Baileigh's turn for me to take her. He does this often and Baileigh usually lets me do it b/c if she doesn't he has a fit. But I didn't want her to do that. I love her too and I sometimes feel that she doesn't get her fair share of me, b/c I'm so busy with Steven. So I told him no, I was going to take her. Dayday would take him. And he threw a fit. He was crying, and screaming, kicking his bedroom wall, thrashing around on the bed. So I went in to try to calm him down. To comfort him. But by then he was beside himself. He wanted me in the room, but he was mad at me and wouldn't let me touch him.
Davey took Baileigh to bed. I sat in his room with him while he screamed that I didn't love him. Don't love him? How can he even think that when I have devoted my entire life to taking care of both of them? Finally we laid down but he was still crying. He couldn't stop. I tried to hold him. He didn't want me to. I told him I loved him. He didn't care.
Then, all of the sudden, like turning on a light switch, he was better. He came and lay close to me and let me touch him and tell him I love him. Then he said he knew I did, he turned over and went to sleep.
And now I am sad. And exhausted. And sad. Did I say that already? See? Even now I'm beginning to be better. :)
