Feeling sad today

I think I really just need to cry but who has time for that? Surely soon it will go away and I'll feel better then I do right now. It's just that sometimes it's so very hard. This job I have been given to do. I love them so much and I try all the time, every  minute of every day to make the right decisions, to do the right thing. Sometimes I just get so tired.

Last night Steven has a major meltdown. He's had a rough few months. He seems to have so many problems. I worry about his future more so than Baileigh. She has her issues but nothing like him. He wanted me to take him to bed. It was Baileigh's turn for me to take her. He does this often and Baileigh usually lets me do it b/c if she doesn't he has a fit. But I didn't want her to do that. I love her too and I sometimes feel that she doesn't get her fair share of me, b/c I'm so busy with Steven. So I told him no, I was going to take her. Dayday would take him. And he threw a fit. He was crying, and screaming, kicking his bedroom wall, thrashing around on the bed. So I went in to try to calm him down. To comfort him. But by then he was beside himself. He wanted me in the room, but he was mad at me and wouldn't let me touch him.

Davey took Baileigh to bed. I sat in his room with him while he screamed that I didn't love him. Don't love him? How can he even think that when I have devoted my entire life to taking care of both of them? Finally we laid down but he was still crying. He couldn't stop. I tried to hold him. He didn't want me to. I told him I loved him. He didn't care.

Then, all of the sudden, like turning on a light switch, he was better. He came and lay close to me and let me touch him and tell him I love him. Then he said he knew I did, he turned over and went to sleep.

And now I am sad. And exhausted. And sad. Did I say that already? See? Even now I'm beginning to be better. :)

One of those nights!

Well, on one hand I think it's good b/c I haven't written on here since October 7th. That's almost two months since I've felt the need to blog and vent. But today was one of those days! Busy busy all day long and then when the twins came home it was busier busier busier. I swear I never sat down til supper time and everyone was having one of those nights. Baileigh had a meltdown and morphed into Baby Baileigh b/c she had a thumb nail that was torn down and needed to be cut. You would have thought we were trying to murder her. She kept crying out; "Put me to sleep! Put me to sleep!", which was kind of funny. I had to hold her while Davey worked on the fingernail. When Steven came in to see what was going on she yelled at him to get out. When I told him to go out of the room he decided that Bay's crying wasn't enough, he needed to get in on the action so he started screaming that we don't love him, we love her more, and he took off out the front door, in his bare feet! I went out after him, tried to talk him in, tried to drag him in, he weighs 77 lbs. I can't drag him in, so I left him for a while. When he didn't come in I finally did drag him in. Then he went in his room and started to bang on his wall with his hammer. Davey tried to talk to him but he wouldn't listen to him so finally Davey left for his board meeting at which time Steven moved into the bathroom where he attempted to lock the door, I hit it with my hip and broke the lock. I guess I'm lucky I didn't break my hip. Then I left him to yell while I went over spelling words with Bay. The next thing I knew he was rolling around on the dining room floor carrying on about "that stupid thing!". I don't know what the stupid thing is, but I sat on the floor with him and finally he quit, said he was sorry, repeatedly like he always does, and came out in the front room to have his snack. Life back to normal. And....I just finished the hot tea I made myself four hours ago. It was cold.

When things go wrong.......

as they sometimes do.
   This is so hard. Sometimes we handle things right, sometimes, not so much. Tonight was a not so much.
Baileigh had been pretty difficult all day long. She gets in these moods where she acts like a mini-teenager.
It worries me to think about what she'll be like when she actually is one if she gets this way now.
I had gone over to Dosh, gone to Dollar General and gotten gas while they were up at the Church mowing with Davey. A little peace and quiet time after our day at Chucke Cheese. 
    Everything was fine when I came home. I brought them both a coloring page for a contest they're having at one of the mini marts.Steven has always been a really good colorer, is that a word?, so Baileigh started saying how he was going to win, and I said that there were a lot of kids entering so the chances of actually winning were slim, but it would be fun anyway. She just went on and on giving Steven a hard time about it.
   Finally she was finished with hers for the night, Davey had gone up to the Church for a minute, or somewhere. He wasn't in the house anyway. Baileigh lay down on the couch and started to go to sleep so I was trying to get her to go change into her pjs and go brush her teeth. She reached out her hand for me to help her up and when she got up I warned her to be careful not to step on Stevens coloring page which was still on the floor. So, of course, Baileigh being Baileigh, she stepped right on it. I smacked her bottom and she was off, yelling at me and saying she hated me and was going to kill me. This was what Davey walked in on.
   And once in a while, the man who never loses his temper, loses his temper, and doesn't handle things as well as he should. Because we all do that from time to time. I do it more often than not. :)  He started trying to strong arm Baileigh, which never works. It just makes her tantrum worse. Then Steven got in on it b/c Davey was being mean to Baileigh. He wasn't being mean. He's never mean. He was just trying to discipline her, but as we both know, but sometimes forget, regular discipline doesn't work well on the twins.
   So, we have one child locked in the bathroom, yes, she locked herself in. Davey sitting in a chair in the dining room, still trying to handle her. Steven's in the front room with me, hands over his ears, yelling at Davey to leave Baileigh alone. And I'm getting upset with Davey b/c he knows this doesn't work.
Finally Davey goes outside. By this time Bay has come down and tells me she's sorry and she loves me. She wants me to rock her to sleep which I do while Steven, who is also calm now, goes to brush his teeth.   
   When Davey comes in he takes her to her bed. Steven hugs him and apologizes and I take him to bed. All is right with the world once more. Except that Davey's not talking to me and I am very, very, tired.

Letter from Mom.

    Today we got a letter from Mom. She is in jail for a few months. I didn't know at first if I really wanted to read it to the twins, but then did because they have the right to know what's going on. It is their life. I was afraid of how it would affect them.
     At first Baileigh was mad. Steven was very quiet. Baileigh has been having anger issues with her mom for a while now. She loves her but she is mad at her. I think both feeling together confuse her, and she doesn't know what to do with her anger so we get it. Thanks. :)  And there were things in the letter that made her angry. Promises her mom made that she finds hard to believe because promises have been made before and not kept, so she doesn't believe they will be kept this time. Why should she?
     The rest of the evening didn't go badly. Steven was fine. Baileigh had some issues but did okay with some extra attention and a large dose of patience.  At bedtime though Steven started crying when I was reading to him. When I asked him why he was crying he said he didn't want to die. I was reading Dr. Seuss, there was no mention of dying so I have no idea where that came from, but he was very upset. I just held him til he stopped crying and went to sleep.
      They did both color pictures for their mother which I will try to mail out tomorrow.
      The whole thing just makes me even sadder. She said she will do better when she gets out. I hope so, but like the children I have heard these promises before and find it hard to believe. I, like the children, would like to believe, but I'm afraid it will have to be proved to be believed. Words are easy. Actions, more difficult.

It makes me sad. :(

     I really never thought it would go like this. I wanted to believe that it would be different. That, when faced with the choice, they would choose their children, but they didn't.  I try to tell myself that they didn't do it on purpose, that it's because of their life circumstances, that it's because of their problems, but I just can't do it.
     There have been people who have said that I wanted this. I wanted the twins to be mine. That's just not true. I love the twins. We love the twins. And we do want them, now.  But, it was not planned.
     What I wanted, all those years ago, was for just one, either one, of their parents, to step up and be the Mom or Dad that all the children needed them to be. And it didn't happen.
     So here we are, 8 years later, and everything is still as messed up as it was in the beginning. And, now, because of the bad choices their parents have made, all the children are having problems as well.
     I don't have a lot more to say. Because it really doesn't matter what I say, nothing changes. We will continue to do what we have been doing for the last 8 years. We will love and care for the twins, and try to raise them to be different. Try to teach them to make good choices. Adults, parents, need to realize that the choices they make don't only effect them, they effect their children, and all those involved.

My Promise To The Twins:

I promise you both,
 and I know Dayday does too,
 we promise always to be here for you.
 Whether it's now, or in ten years, we will be here to love you, to hold you, to wipe away your tears.
We promise you our love will never, never end.
 Our love is a circle strong.
 It cannot break or bend.
We will not abandon you, we will not disown.
 We will not put our happiness above your own.
You will always be our children, blood and names cannot change that.
 It isn't blood that makes you ours, it's love, and that is that.
So you need'nt ever worry, we will  never disappear.
And if we leave you for a while, or you leave us, our love is always near.

Summer Almost Over - August 12, 2011

    I was going to wait til next week to write this blog. Haven't written anything in a long time. Since their birthday anyway.  
    Summer's almost over. School starts in a week. For the most part this has been a very good summer. For those of you who know, last summer was awful. We were having medication problems. Couldn't get Steven's meds figured out. He was having horrible meltdowns almost on a daily basis. Grandma had to get medication of her own to help her cope. When I went to sign the twins up for school last year, I cried to their teacher. I don't cry.
   Now skip ahead to this summer. Not perfect. But what is is this world? But good. So much better than the last. Our biggest problem this summer was probably the fact that Steven almost always has a friend to play with, and Baileigh rarely does. We need a little girl for a neighbor.
   But Baileigh and I have become good buddies. We did lots of crafts and baking. She helped with Reese and housework. She became an excellent reader.
   It was also a busy summer. We had two vacations. One with the Rigg family down to St. Louis for three days. We went to the Zoo, The Science Center, (which didn't thrill us), and The Children's Museum, which did thrill us. We also went to Fort Knox, KY to visit their Aunt, Uncle, and their two cousin for five whole days. We had a lot of fun there too.
   Along with our vacations we had Church Camp, which they went to by themselves, a first for them and Grandma; V.B.S., the Beardstown Park Districts Nature Camp, Story hour at the Library, and our very favorite extra curricular activity - Horse back riding lessons. We're not quite done with those yet.
   And the greatest thing of all, we have had very few behavioural problems. One would pop up now and then, but those are easily coped with.
   So summer's almost over, and while we are glad to have school start again, we are also glad to have had such a good vacation. Hope you all can say the same.

Dayday

    Tonight I feel like telling everyone about my wonderful husband. He is actually upset with me tonight b/c I said yes to his mother when she offered me a FREE trampoline and he doesn't want it b/c he's sure someone will get killed on it. Or at least break a limb. We are getting it anyway. The more things we have to keep the twins occupied the better off we are.
     But let me get back as to why he is wonderful. As everyone pretty much knows we were all set to be empty nesters when the twins came along. We were going to work on the house, much needed work. We were going to take off on weekends whenever we felt like it. We were going to rediscover what it means to be Davey and Karen.
    Then I announce that the twins are going to be living with us for a while. His first question was how long is a while? I said a week, a month, ten years, til they graduate from high school. :) He didn't say a negative word about it. He just became their Dayday. And he is a good one. He was good with the first two. He is better with these two. I think it's an age, mellow, issue. We are both, I think, more laid back about things. We have to be in order to handle things with the twins well.
    And many times when Grandma's patience has been all used up, even with the help of my little patience pill, Dayday steps in with all his even keelness and takes over.  The twins adore him. He is the only father they have ever really known and he is an excellent one.

8 years old!!!!

8 yrs. .today our lives changed and we didn't even  know it. When their mother told me she was pregnant and it was twins I was not happy. I love babies, but I knew what kind of shape their marriage was in, and there were already two children involved. I think she thought the twins would fix things, after all they were happy when the other two were born. But they didn't fix things. With children comes extra financial burdens and added stress. Anyway, I wasn't thrilled but when I went with her to get her first sonogram and I saw Baby A and Baby B, I fell in love. I think God planned it that way. The day the twins were born was a good day. My daughter and I were the first ones to hold them other than their mom and dad. They were so little and sweet. But I was right, children don't fix a broken marriage. Withing 6 mos. of their birth their father had left and everything went downhill steadily from there. It was a mess. And by the time they were 23 mos. old, they were living full time with us. Today they turn 8. They have lived with us for 6 yrs. I am as much in love with them today, even more, than I was when I first saw them. So Happy Birthday twinkies! Grandma loves you very much. :)

Feeling wishy-washy today.

Six years. It has been six years since the twins became a permanent part of our life. They were just babies, a month short of two. I remember I threw that birthday party together very quickly. We never thought that we'd be raising children after ours were grown and out of the nest. Now we can't imagine our lives any other way than with the twins as a part of them.

They're going to be 8 next month. I can't believe that either. They're not baby's anymore. They were babies for more than their fair share of years. Partially because they were a little behind due to being twins and premature, and partially because of all they've gone through, and continue to go through, with not only dna related problems but family issues. I freely admit it, I babied them much longer then I did my own two children, and it is just recently that I find myself saying, "You're almost 8, you're not babies, do it yourself."

They are growing up so quickly. I see everyday more maturity from both of them. Like I said no more babies. Although girl twin does seem to revert back a little from time to time and requires a little laptime and rocking. And boy twin does need to be constantly reassured that I love him. I don't mind. As all parents know it won't be long til they're up and going their own ways and don't want or need those things from me anymore. So I will rock when rocking is required, and I will tell him I love him a million times a day. And I will cherish every moment I can because they won't be around forever, and when their time with us is done, or at least when they're ready to fly I will watch them go and be glad that I was the one, we were the ones to give them a safe nest, and wings.

A Lot On My Mind/Or What's Left Of It LOL

Who was I before I was who I am now? I don't think I remember that person. What happened to the life I used to have? To the life I thought I would have? We all know the answer(s) to this. They're called the Twins, the Twinkies, the Kids. My life. That is what happened to my life, it became their life. Their lives? My whole world revolves around those children. What's going on with them? What's the best for them? And don't take me wrong. I love those children. I've loved them since before they were born. Since the first time I saw them on their mother's sonogram. Babies A & B. But life has become something I didn't know it would be. A struggle. Because they struggle. Because they have the difficulties that they have. Because their parents were and are still so messed up and that continues to effect them. It continues to effect us all. I'm not trying to be depressing. Although I spend a lot of my time sounding that way because I am. I am not sorry we made the choice we made, to take the twins. They need(ed) us and we believe it was God's plan for us to take care of them. To hopefully give them a good life. To do what's best for them. But it is so hard. It has taken over our lives. Mine and Davey's. And I love him for it. It was my idea in the first place. He just kind of went along for the ride. And boy what a ride it is. We had no idea at first that they had problems. As they got older they started to appear and when we look back we can see that they were there all along. We just didn't see it. We have no real life of our own like most people our age do. I have very few real friends. You know, the kind you do things with. Because most people my age are done raising kids. They're working, etc. Doing whatever it is people my age without kids do. I have no idea because I'm not doing it. I'm raising kids. Davey and I try not to be consumed by it all. But it's hard when there's medicine to be taken, Drs. and counselors to see, meltdowns to cool down. Children to love. We snatch whatever little moments we can and try to hold on to each other. But it is hard. I never ask why though? I know why. They are why.

Crazy!

This whole situation with the twins and their mother is driving me that way! I hear this from one person, this from another. I hear that this person said this about me, but when I talk to them I get something else. Their mother tells me one thing, then another. I am so tired of it! All I want to do is make sure everything is good for the kids. I guess that's all I've got. Geez, I'm just so tired of it all!

If anyone wonders....

    If anyone wonders why I am so fiercely protective of the twins, this should fill you in. For the third time in two weeks their mother has not shown up for a visit when she tells them she will. I don't remember what happened the first time, but last Saturday boy twin immediately got an attitude and the girl climbed up on my husband's lap, cried, and sucked her thumb. They are a few months short of eight. Sucking a thumb is not normal behaviour.
    And today was the worst. I was on the phone with her and yes, I said she would have to forgo the visit. Because it was already 5:00 and we had to have supper and bathes, we have school tomorrow. The boy literally jumped on top of me, I was sitting down, and was screaming at me and hitting me. "Tell her it's all right to come now. Tell her! Tell her!" It wasn't alright. There was no way it could be. She is at this moment living an hour and a half away. She wouldn't get her til near 7:00. They go to bed at 8:00. He got off of me but ransacked the house, tearing things up, throwing things around. Took a heavy mirror off the wall and threw it on the floor. All the time yelling at me. Telling me to call her back and let her come.
    The girl on the other hand was in her room, sitting on the floor with a picture of them and their mom that I actually took on Mother's Day last year, just bawling her eyes out.
     I finally let him call his mother back and she apologized and "promised" she would be here tomorrow after school. She had better be.
     I remember feeling fiercely protective of my own children just a few times in their lives. It was nothing like the way I feel about these two. Because I knew that no one was ever going to hurt them like these two have been, and continue to be hurt.

Growing up

     The twins never cease to amaze me. They have made such leaps in growth and are both starting to act so maturely, as a general rule. :)  I can't believe that we have had them with us for going on six years, and in just a few more months they will be 8 years old! No more car seats! I miss my baby twins but rejoice in the progress they have made and the maturity I see coming out in both of them.

God's plan, not our plan.

  Today is my baby boy's 24th birthday so of course I'm reminiscing. That time was not a good one in our lives. Davey and I were seperated. We had a two year old and I was pregnant with Garrett. For a while we didn't think we were going to make it. In fact on the day I had Garrett, who was two days early, I had an appointment with a divorce lawyer. Obviously I didn't make that appointment and afterwards I was too busy taking care of two children to think about a divorce, and I really didn't want one any way. I have always thought that God made Garrett come that day just so I wouldn't make it to that appointment. He didn't want us to get divorced either. It wasn't His plan. We've been married for almost 29 yrs. now.
  
   And then I think of the other time God's put His plan into action. When the twins came along. When I was first told about the twins impending birth I was not happy. They already had two children and they were already having problems. I remember thinking, great, two more kids for  me to take care of. Funny how prophetic that was.
But as soon as I saw the first sonogram and the two shrimpy looking babies, I fell in love. That was God working through me.

   And was it coincidence that when the time came for the twins to move in with us permanently our own children were grown and getting ready to fly away? No, once again it was God's plan.

   I have learned that while we may like to think that we are in control of our own lives, it is not true. God is in control, and if we only "Trust in Him", He will guide our paths. Sometimes that path is hard. When Davey and I were seperated and I had two young children to take care of, and had to go on Public Aid, I remember feeling like a drowning person, holding on to Jesus for my life. But He never let me go, and He never let Davey go, and so here we are. :)

So much more....

I am going to make this quick b/c it's nine o'clock and it's Davey and Karen time.
So much has been happening. Baileigh lost three teeth in two weeks, Steven just lost one today. He has gone on a growth spurt and now outweighs his sister by fifteen pounds. He's not heavy at all. You couldn't tell he weighed that much more. We went crazy with jeans for a while, but Aunt Linda came to the rescue. The best thing that has happened is that Bay made the decision to get baptized and was baptized this last Sunday. We are so proud of her. It makes me cry every time I think about it.

Tonight I am very frustrated and angry b/c I just found out that their mother got out of the hospital Friday and has made no attempt to call and talk to her children. She says she loves them soooo much but doesn't pick up the phone to talk to them. I'm sure part of it is b/c she doesn't want to face me. Well if she wants to talk to her children she's going to have to talk to me. What really makes me mad is that she's with her new boyfriend. Doesn't have time for her kids but has time for him.

She thinks she's going to get probation and move to Perry, where her exhusband lives with the other two children. That is just too close for me. I honestly wish she would just go away and leave them, and us, alone. All she does is hurt them. We work so hard to give them love and stability, and she messes them up.

And it also bothers me that she has caused me to change from someone who honestly cared about her, to someone who just wants her to go away. I know I need to pray for her, but I can't. I pray for the children.

So many things......

    The last month has been a busy, and strange one. I had some health issues, mostly due to my being to easily upset and anxious about things that are out of my control. I was having emotional and physical problems. They are getting better thanks to medication for both problems. I need to remember Who is in control. I should have reread my last blog b/c I don't even remember what it was about. So I will just recap what has been going on. The twins' mother was arrested, spent a week in jail before getting bailed out by her boyfriend. This upset me not only b/c of what she did to land there in the first place, but mostly b/c I didn't know how we were supposed to tell the twins this. "Oh, Mommy's in  jail and might go to prison. But don't let that upset you." How do you explain something like this to a couple of 7 yr. olds? Well, we didn't. When she finally got brave enough to call me, she said she wanted to explain things to the kids. It never happened first b/c the weather got bad and she couldn't get over here, and then b/c she took an overdose of sleeping pills?, and ended up in the hospital. She is now in a Behavioural Center for a few weeks. I don't know what will happen after that. I know she has to go back to court of course. She things she will get off on probation. We shall see. But it the meantime all we have told the twins is that mommy is sick and in the hospital. We're not going to say anything else until, and unless, we have to. They have been doing so well. I don't want her mistakes to set them back. It makes me so angry that she doesn't think about how her actions affect her children. But that is that.
     On the good side, I have started talking to one of their Aunt's on their mother's side. I am already good friends with their Aunt on their father's side. It seems like on both sides there is one good relative. Their older brother was having a b'day this last Sunday and I wanted the twins to be able to be there. Their older siblings are now living with their father. So I talked to the Aunt and asked her if she would like to take them to the party. She did and it all went well. It was the first time they had seen their father in months, which is an altogether different story which I will not go into now.
     And on the really good side, which makes me want to cry every time I think about it, Miss B, the girl twin, has made the decision to be baptized this coming Sunday! I am so excited. She had mentioned it to our daughter who had then mentioned it to me. I have just been waiting for her to bring it up, which she did last night in bed. She knows all the right reasons. She knows why she wants to do this. She is young but I believe she is ready.
    We wondered if her brother would want to follow suit when he heard about it, and wondered how we would handle that. He shouldn't just get baptized b/c his twin sister does. But although he was very proud of her, and said I should give her a dollar for it, he said he was not ready. I explained to him that that was fine. He will know when he is ready. It's different for everyone.
    So there we are. All caught up. It's been a whirlwind of ups and downs, but I love them and it worth fighting through the downs to get to the ups.

Questions?

These are our twins, B & S. They are good children. We have been their guardians for almost 6 yrs. S was diagnosed as bipolar this last summer. B has anxiety/sensory issues, although she seems to be doing well right now. S has frequent meltdowns although those too have slowed down due to medication. Their mother is also bipolar and was recently arrested for breaking and entering, forgery, and I don't know what else. She finally called tonight crying to tell me how embarassed and sorry she was. She wants to come talk to me and then the kids. To "explain" things to them. She says she will probably get probation b/c of her mental state. My question is, where does responsibility and choice come in? Can she just blame all her problems on the bipolarism? And how much do the kids need to know? Does she need to tell them every little bit of what has happened? She is probably going to be hospitalized for a few weeks at least.

Time to vent.

    Well, I think the time has come. Since most everyone knows anyway I might as well put it down in writing for everyone, like everyone reads my blog, lol, to see. I think I'm a bit numb from this entire week. It's been like a whirlwind. Sunday night, I think it was, the twin's Aunt sends me a message saying "Had I heard about their mom?" No, I hadn't heard. I figured she was going to tell me she was in the hospital. That wouldn't have been a shock. She's been headed that way for a while now. But no, it wasn't the hospital. It was jail. She'd been arrested for breaking and entering, burglary, forgery, I don't know what else.
    We thought if she got out on bail she had to go straight to a clinic, but no, today I heard she was out and home. And this was her weekend to have the kids. I was worried, scared, all day that the phone would ring and it would be her and she would want the kids. I had contacted a lawyer about getting a order of protection on her, but backed out because I thought she was going to go to the hospital.
    So today I find out that her (A) Her boyfriend has bailed her out, and (B) She did not go to the hospital. So all afternoon I worried that she would call and want the kids. I called the Circuit Clerks office who called the States Attorney, who said that if she did call there was nothing we could do about it. So I stressed, and I worried, and I know, "Trust God".
     Well she did not call. The twins are safely at home with us. And my head doesn't hurt so bad. Now we're good for another two weeks before her weekend comes up again.
     My question is? Should I go ahead and talk to the lawyer? What should I do to protect the children? I'm really just hoping that Monday when she goes to the Dr. that they put her in the hospital, and that she is too embarassed and ashamed to call me.
    I am very disappointed in her. I have always tried to be fair. To be kind. To be nice. To care about her. But now I find that I am tired. I only care about the welfare of the twins. She is on her own.

In a Perfect World.....

In a perfect world, all parents would love their children more than they love themselves......

In a perfect world, all children would live with their mother, their father, their brothers and sisters......

In a perfect world, there would be no pain in a childs life, in their eyes, in their hearts......

In a perfect world, children wouldn't pay for the mistakes their parents have made......

In a perfect world, we would all be perfect.....

Too bad it's not a perfect world.

Just have to brag!

    At least a little bit, about how wonderfully today went. Sometimes days off with the twins, when there's no where to go and nothing to do tend to be a bit touchy. Today was a really good day. There were a few touch and go moments but then they are children and therefore are allowed to behave like such. But they were basically wonderful today. It probably has something to do with the fact that all three of us are now medicated. Kind of sad isn't it? But if it helps, then I'll accept it. Baileigh's new medicine has really helped her. All of the sudden the little girl who I basically had to force to get up and dressed every day, is getting up on her own, picking out her own clothes, and getting dressed, ALL BY HERSELF! And if it's her new medicine that's helping her to do this, more power to it. And I think Steven's new medicine is helping too. I wasn't sure at first b/c I didn't see much difference, but it takes a few days for new meds to really take hold and I think now that it is helping. He still gets up way too early for me anyway, and hits the floor running. I just hit the floor. And he still has a problem with his mouth first thing in the morning. It's like he can't control what's coming out of it, and it takes the medicine about half an hour to take hold and then you can tell he's better, til it wears off and then another pill, another half hour and he's okay again. But I don't feel so much like I'm walking on eggshells around him and he hasn't had a rage since last Friday, over a week. I'm very pleased about this. We played alot of games today. They always seem to need to be entertained. Are not good about entertaining themselves. But they also helped me with the house work. Steven vacuumed, Bay washed the kitchen floor. They helped clean out their hamster cages. I am so very pleased with the way today went. I hate to get my hopes up, b/c who knows what tomorrow will bring. But today was good and I am thankful for that.

What I want......

for the twins is for them to have the best possible life they can have. I don't know why that has to be so hard for them. They have a myriad of problems, some genetic, some caused b/c  of things in their lives they have no control over. All I want is for them to be happy, well adjusted children who can grow up to be happy, responsible adults. But I am afraid, b/c of their problems, that this will be an unatainable dream. I don't want it to be a dream, I want it to be a reality. I've just has a place called Transitions call me b/c of Steven's little rage at the Drs. office last week and it upset me. I'm sure. I know. It's for the best. Any help we can get for them is a good thing. Right? So why do I feel sad about it?

A Steven Story

   Just had to share this one. After coming home yesterday afternoon from sledding, Steven lay down to take a nap. At supper time I tried to wake him and he told me he just wanted to sleep a little longer. Then I tried again a little later. He thought it was morning and told me he didn't want to go to school. I explained that it was night time and he needed to get up and eat something. He went back to sleep. Davey came home and talked to him, but to no avail. So we ate and spent the evening with one child, who I am sure enjoyed all the attention she was getting. After getting her to be around 7:30 Davey headed up to church to do his favorite thing, plow snow. I went into the kitchen to get a snack, when I turned around there was Steven wandering into the front room. It was 8:30 by now. He asked me if there was school today. I explained, again, that it was night time. He said no it wasn't, Dayday wasn't here, he was at work. I said no, he's plowing, and look it's dark out and Bay is in bed. We went back to his bed and lay down for a while. He just couldn't go back to sleep. I assumed he was hungry so offered to make him some oatmeal. Okay. So Davey comes home around 9:00 and Steven and I are in the front room watching cartoons. Around 9:45 Davey and Steven headed to bed together, and I headed to my own bed by myself. He then slept for the remainder of the night until 6:43 this morning. Life is never boring around here.

Feeling like poo

LOL Had to laugh at my title. Good. I need something to laugh about. Just went to the Dr. today. Have been trying to put it off and heal myself but that wasn't working. Too  much stress in my life and it's affecting me emotionally and physically. Just last week the kids' child psych put me on a couple anxiety meds. One for daytime, one to help me sleep. Had a problem with that as I've always thought of myself as a strong person, don't like the idea of having to take drugs. But realize that in order to properly take care of the twins I have to be able to cope, so fine. But now on top of it all, my ulcerative colitis has decided to be a pain in the butt, literally, and the Drs. has proclaimed a very strict diet for Karen, and no more coffee, tea, or hot chocolate. Because even the ones that say caffeine free, have caffeine in them. This is ridiculous! They might has well put me away right now b/c I cannot survive like this. Okay, the twins, who have been gone sledding, are now home so that's all for now.

Growing up

   I have noticed recently, little things that tell me that the twins are growing up. While I am proud of these little accomplishments, it also makes me a little sad. They are growing up so quickly. I'm already thinking about what to do for their 8th birthday. Yes, I'm a little ahead of myself, it's not until May.
   Now back to their little accomplishments. Nothing major, but I have noticed them. Little things like knowing when they want to go to bed. And now I can just say, go brush your teeth, and after I say it a couple of times, they go do it, all by themselves, without having to have me there to help. AND getting dressed by themselves. Steven has been doing this by himself for awhile, but Baileigh, because of her sensory issues, has always been difficult to get dressed, but recently she has been doing much better. One day this week she actually got out her own outfit and was in the process of getting dressed when I got out of the shower.
   In April we will have had them for 6 yrs.. They are growing up too fast.

The twins

First of all I will say, to anyone who might be worried, that I will never post a picture of the twins on here. I will protect their privacy. I will also not say anything on here that would ever hurt them, and that means saying anything about people they love who sometimes cause me grief. I only want a place to pour out my feelings. To help me sort out what my life has become. To maybe reach out to others who may be in a similar place. I love my twins. I will never give up on them. But raising them is hard. This is not what I thought my life would be. But it is what it is.

The twins, as I said before have multiple problems. I have learned that they call it alphabet soup. We have, between the two of them, ADHD, ODD, ADD, SAD, plus Bi-polarism, and sensory issues. I don't know what the alphabet soup labels for the last two are, but we have 'em none the less. And that is why I feel the need to blog. I have all this stuff running around in my head, and really no where to let it out. I hate always venting to family and friends, and I'm sure they hate hearing it. This way if they want to read it they can. And if they don't, they don't have too. But it will be out here, out of my head.

Do I have anything to say?

That is the question. Do I have anything to say that hasn't been said before? Are there people out there who will even be the least bit interested in what I have to say?
This is it. This is what I have to say. We, my husband and I, are the middle aged parents of two, grandparents of on adoreable little boy, and guardian parents to 7 1/2 yr. old twins. They have become our lives. We believe that is was God's will that we take these children into our home and make it their home too. What we didn't know at the time, we took them in for good at 23 mos., was all the problems they would have. And how those problems would change our lives.