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I just read an interesting blog about blogging, and as my blog has recently caused me some problem I will not be doing it anymore. My intent was never to upset anyone, it was an outlet for my feelings, good or bad. As a human being I have both of those things. I am not quitting because people got upset with what I wrote. I have a right to my freedom of speech. I didn't tell any lies. I didn't mention anyone's name. I have decided to quit because I don't need any more stress and upset in my life. So from now on if anyone wants to know what's going on in my life, you'll have to ask me. And if you don't care? Well then this is your lucky day. :)

Tired of it all!

I truly am tired of it all. None of this is my fault. It was never my plan for things to happen this way. 7 yrs. ago when I said, "Why don't you let us keep the twins til you get your life together." I thought, in all my naivety, that she would do just that. Pull her life together for the sake of the kids. It's not my fault that didn't happen. Throughput the whole thing I have tried to maintain a relationship with their biological family as much as possible because I thought, and still do think, that it's important for them to have a relationship with their mother, their siblings, and other members of their family. It's also not my fault that their mother made wrong choices time after time. That she would pop in and out of their lives constantly, or that her popping deeply effected the twins. Steven especially has been hurt by it all. He has always been very loyal to his mother. Last winter when she came back and promised all kinds of things that never came true, Steven was devestated and started acting out very badly. It was very scarey for a while and pretty much took over my entire life. There were days I actually had to lock is in the house just to make sure he didn't do anything that would hurt himself or anyone else. And we had to call crisis counseling. Steven has made a lot of improvement. We are having him assessed to see if there is something psychologically wrong. I am also homeschooling both of them which is going well. Unfortunately recently some things have happened recently that has made their bio family mad at me. Our counselor has said that she thinks it's best if they have no contact with their mom at this time, and of course that made her angry. But we have to do what's best for the children. I worry that Steven will be angry when he finds out. He hasn't brought her up so either have we. I feel bad about this. I don't like to be at odds with anyone. But once again none of this was my doing. I am just doing all I can to do what's right for the twins.

Hard Decisions

Yesterday I made a hard decision. Actually I didn't make it, it was made for me by our counselor, but I was still the one who had to do the deed and I was not happy doing it although I think, I hope it's for the best. I have always tried to be kind, tried to be fair, tried to be nice, but my (our) first responsibility is always to the twins. To do what is best for them. If there is fall out we will handle that when it happens. Baileigh knows what has happened and she is fine with the decision. Steven does not know yet. We decided that instead of telling him right off we will wait until it comes up. I know he will be upset and I hate that. But he knows we love him And he knows that any decision we make is because we want what is best for them.

Catch Up!!!!!

Haven't written for almost a month because we've been veeerrryyy busy. We've been having a crisis counselor come once or twice a week to work with Steven. Baileigh gets into it too which can't hurt her any, and I think it's helped Steven a lot. He's doing much better than he was 6 mos. ago. I rarely have to lock us in anymore, and there's been no more climbing or playing with fire. Thank God! We also started seeing a new counselor in Mt. Sterling. She works with me and the kids. Oh yes, we are also having Steven assessed by a psychologist from Transitions in Quincy. Both counselors think there's something more going on with him than adhd. We should get the results in a month or so. Makes me nervous but I know we can better help him if we know what's going on. On top of that is the Homeschooling. It's going well I think. They have started on their third grade workbooks and are wonderful about doing their work for me. We also have fun. They go horseback riding almost every week and will be til it gets too cold. We visited the Quincy Museum and are going back this month for their Colonial days. We also plan to go to SIU for a children's production on the Presidents and may go back in Feb. for a Little House on the Prairie one. And don't forget our Reese and Ella day every Tuesday. That's always fun. :)

HUH!!!!!

In order to prepare the twins for homeschooling I have been trying to get them to do a little bit of work every day. In workbooks from school last year and workbooks I have bought them. It has been a struggle and only makes me wonder what our year will bring. Today Steven did okay except he seems to think he's the boss. And Baileigh acted as if she was braindead. Se have a slightly busy schedule. Most Monday's should be free, today we had Drs. appts. Tuesday we have Reese and Ella, so I don't know if anything will get done on that day. Weds. we have horse riding lessons until it gets cold out. Thursdays we have counseling in Mt. Sterling. And we normally have in home counseling two days a week. So our school has to be worked around all these things. I want to do fun things but the core things need to get done. Hopefully as we get going they will get used to it and do better.

Where does a Grandma go for a day off?

Don't take me wrong, I'm all for our homeschooling plans. It's just that sometimes, after a week like this when we've been going, going, all week long, I am totally wiped out. I want to sit and read my book and maybe go to bed early. But there's still supper to be made, and the dishes are overflowing, and so is the laundry. And they need done tonight beause tomorrow we're going to Chuckee Cheese to meet up with my brother and, and Tyler and Apryl too, which will be cool, but more driving which exhausts me. And Saturday we're supposed to go see Dana in Quincy. More driving for me. I'm sure I'll feel better after a good night's sleep but right now I just need a break. :)

Our First Day

Tried to get up and going today. Did not go as well as I would have liked. Tomorrow we have to because it will be our first day of watching Reese and Ella. Yes, Gab's going back to work. She wants us to go get them so tomorrow alarms will all be set for 7 so we can get out of here hopefully on time. Today we also started our homeschooling. We went over the rules together and wrote them down in our notebooks. I don't believe in having a rigid schedule though so it's just a general guide. Not written in stone. I have bought plenty of 3rd grade workbooks but right now we're finishing up the 2nd grade workbooks they brought home at the end of last year. I also have fun things planned. Taking walks, I need the exercise. Lol There are also games to play, outings to take, and books I want us to read together. I am already looking forward to the Christmas season because there will be baking and crafts. I know there will be struggles. Steven and I already had one today. But I also know we can do this. We can make it work!

Adventures in Homeschooling

We are getting ready to start a new school year. The twins will be in 3rd grade, and this year we will be homeschooling. I was hoping that we could remain at the school they have gone to for the last three years, but because of Steven's difficulties I took him out in the spring and we will not be going back. It was a good school but not equipped to deal with our problems. I have had numerous people ask me why I'm homeschooling both and not just Steven. I have a few reasons for this. She wants to stay home. It's easier on me. And this way they'll at least have each other. Homeschooling was our last option and I was personally hoping we wouldn't have to. I cherish my little bits of freedom. But now that it is a fact of our lives, I'm fine with it. I homeschooled my other two kids for a number of years and we had a good time. I can do it again. I know I can. I know I can. Also with both of their problems and all our counseling and other appointments I think it's a good idea. One of the twins' problems is that they have relationship issues. They really don't have any close friends. They don't seem to care but it does bother me. We are waiting at this time to see a specialist and get a firm diagnosis on Steven. Then we can better deal with it. It's easier to deal with something if you know what it is. Another reason for homeschooling is that I want to go back in time. To a time when life was simpler. I want to grow things, and make things, and teach the twins what's important in life, people, family, friends. God. Not the things of the world. So here's to our new adventures! May God guide us on our way.

10 things the twins have taught me.

1. Blood and dna do not necessarily make a family. Love does. 2. Sometimes God's plan for your life is different from your own. 3. God will give you what you need to do what you need to do. 4. Trials not only make you stronger. They also make your marriage stronger. 5. There are "friends ", and then there are friends. 6. You don't need a lot of friends. Just a few really good ones. 7. Looks can be deceiving. Just because a child looks "normal", does not mean they are. 8. Normal is a stupid word. 9. My life is not my own. To do with as I please. 10.God will make a way when there seems to be no way. He works in ways we cannot see. He will make a way for me.(Us)

4th of July

Silly me. I thought it would be nice to have the whole family over and I was so excited that everyone could make it. Derek, Gabrielle and the kids, Garrett and Shayla. We don't see them, Garrett and Shayla, very much, and I want to have a better relationship with them. So I invited and everyone came. I figured they kids could swim. We had sparklers and snakes tor later. Davey grilled out hamburgers, Gab brought a jello cake, all decorated with strawberries and blueberries, very pretty, and for a while, a little while, everything was tine. But then as usual everything was too much for both Baileigh and Steven and they started acting out, awfully. Steven went as far as to accuse me of not wanting them. He said I hated him, he hated me, and he wanted to live with his "other" mother. I know he didn't mean it. I told him I loved all of them. I know this is just one of those things that are just part of our life with the twins, but knowing it doesn't make it any easier. So much for us having "normal " get togethers. Normal's such a stupid word!

Progress being made.

I wrote a couple of weeks ago and wanted to write again to say that, while we are still mountain climbing, the mountain does not seem so steep or the climb so hard. We are doing much better for a number of reasons. One is that Steven himself is doing better. They have adjusted his meds., started him on one for bipolar, and our new counselor is very good. She makes is talk about our feelings, which isn't easy for Steven. He gets very agitated talking about the things he is angry about, but he needs to get it out so he doesn't explode. Our homeschooling is doing fine. He is actually very good about doing his work for me. Sometimes I need to remind him to go slowly, read the directions, and BE NEAT! But that's perfectly normal for a boy his age. We have decided to homeschool next year and although at first I dreaded it, I am beginning to order stuff and get excited. I did it once, I can do it again! I think a lot of the reason we are doing better is because I am handling it better. Nice how it always seems up to "Mom" to set the mood. But when I settle down and realize that this is the best way to handle our problems then it all seems to come together. I would continue to ask for your prayers as we continue our journey. Pray for Steven that he can work through his problems and grow stronger through them. Pray for Baileigh that she will come to understand her brother's problems, and come to terms with her own anger issues. And pray for Davey and I that we can continue to support and love them. Thanks.

Trying to figure it out.

For those of you who want to know what's been going on in the Shoe/Brann clan this is for you. If you don't want to know, stop reading now. Turn back. Do not pass go. The last few months have been crazy and depressing around here. In December the twins' mom got our of jail and I took them to her sister's to visit her. She had been in jail for 3 1/2 mos. more or less so except for two letters there had been no contact with her. When she got out she promised them things were "going to be different". You don't know how many times we have heard those words. She was going to have their older brother and sister. She was going to be living nearby and getting the twins every other weekend like she used to. What did happen was that within two days she had left her older two kids with her sister and moved to Springfield with the boyfriend that she had an order of protection against while she was in jail. Crazy! None of the promises were kept. Which is par for the course. Steven especially has had a horrible time coping with his mother's abandonment as he has always been very loyal to his mom. His behaviour everywhere, at school, at church, at home, has become increasingly alarming and hard to handle. I was going to put down some of the scarey things he has done but decided somethings need to remain silent for his sake. Let me just say that if you knew what he had been doing you would be as worried for him as we are. He has started to refer to me has mommy. Something he never did before and has gone as far as to say that he came out of my tummy, not his mothers. That is how upset he is at her, and at the same time he is upset with himself for being upset with her. We are doing all we can to take care of his problems. Right now he is homeschooling with me b/c his behaviour at school got so bad that they couldn't handle him. His teacher is being kind enough, b/c she is a kind woman, to put together his weekly lessons for us to do at home. We don't know at this point what we're doing for school next year. We will have to see how the summer goes. We have started a new counselor whom we see weekly and I am going to call about some special in home counseling. We went to the Dr. today and they have changed some of his meds around. Hopefully this all helps him. So if you see us and we are acting a bit stressed and unhappy, it's because we are. We are not made of steel. We hurt. We get tired. We, or at least I, cry. Because we love these children and want them to grow up to be healthy, happy adults who can function well in the outside world. We do trust that God will help us, be with us, sustain us, but that does not keep us from sometimes getting down. Remember the saying about walking in someone elses shoes? Well don't judge us til you've walked a mile in ours. We would ask that you pray for the twins, and pray for us. We are on a mountain climb and it is hard getting up there to the top.

The Need For Change

I am not happy with the way things are going right now. I feel like we are swimming against the flow and it is hard to tread water. I feel like we are in this all alone. No one really understands what's going on, including us. We are parents to children who are not our own. Children with many difficulties. Children whose future I feel responsible for, and worry about. I feel very little support from anyone outside my own front door. We are in this fight by ourselves. And it is a scarey and difficult fight. Sometimes I feel that I am doing everything wrong but I know I am doing all I can. Sometimes I wonder if God knew what He was doing when He gave us this responsibility. Of course He did He's God.God is in control and will give us what we need to do what is best for these children. I need to change the way I think. I need to believe that He will give us what we need to give these children what they need. I need to spend more time trusting and less time worrying. I know what I need to do, I just need to do it.