Trying to figure it out.

For those of you who want to know what's been going on in the Shoe/Brann clan this is for you. If you don't want to know, stop reading now. Turn back. Do not pass go. The last few months have been crazy and depressing around here. In December the twins' mom got our of jail and I took them to her sister's to visit her. She had been in jail for 3 1/2 mos. more or less so except for two letters there had been no contact with her. When she got out she promised them things were "going to be different". You don't know how many times we have heard those words. She was going to have their older brother and sister. She was going to be living nearby and getting the twins every other weekend like she used to. What did happen was that within two days she had left her older two kids with her sister and moved to Springfield with the boyfriend that she had an order of protection against while she was in jail. Crazy! None of the promises were kept. Which is par for the course. Steven especially has had a horrible time coping with his mother's abandonment as he has always been very loyal to his mom. His behaviour everywhere, at school, at church, at home, has become increasingly alarming and hard to handle. I was going to put down some of the scarey things he has done but decided somethings need to remain silent for his sake. Let me just say that if you knew what he had been doing you would be as worried for him as we are. He has started to refer to me has mommy. Something he never did before and has gone as far as to say that he came out of my tummy, not his mothers. That is how upset he is at her, and at the same time he is upset with himself for being upset with her. We are doing all we can to take care of his problems. Right now he is homeschooling with me b/c his behaviour at school got so bad that they couldn't handle him. His teacher is being kind enough, b/c she is a kind woman, to put together his weekly lessons for us to do at home. We don't know at this point what we're doing for school next year. We will have to see how the summer goes. We have started a new counselor whom we see weekly and I am going to call about some special in home counseling. We went to the Dr. today and they have changed some of his meds around. Hopefully this all helps him. So if you see us and we are acting a bit stressed and unhappy, it's because we are. We are not made of steel. We hurt. We get tired. We, or at least I, cry. Because we love these children and want them to grow up to be healthy, happy adults who can function well in the outside world. We do trust that God will help us, be with us, sustain us, but that does not keep us from sometimes getting down. Remember the saying about walking in someone elses shoes? Well don't judge us til you've walked a mile in ours. We would ask that you pray for the twins, and pray for us. We are on a mountain climb and it is hard getting up there to the top.

The Need For Change

I am not happy with the way things are going right now. I feel like we are swimming against the flow and it is hard to tread water. I feel like we are in this all alone. No one really understands what's going on, including us. We are parents to children who are not our own. Children with many difficulties. Children whose future I feel responsible for, and worry about. I feel very little support from anyone outside my own front door. We are in this fight by ourselves. And it is a scarey and difficult fight. Sometimes I feel that I am doing everything wrong but I know I am doing all I can. Sometimes I wonder if God knew what He was doing when He gave us this responsibility. Of course He did He's God.God is in control and will give us what we need to do what is best for these children. I need to change the way I think. I need to believe that He will give us what we need to give these children what they need. I need to spend more time trusting and less time worrying. I know what I need to do, I just need to do it.