One of those nights!

Well, on one hand I think it's good b/c I haven't written on here since October 7th. That's almost two months since I've felt the need to blog and vent. But today was one of those days! Busy busy all day long and then when the twins came home it was busier busier busier. I swear I never sat down til supper time and everyone was having one of those nights. Baileigh had a meltdown and morphed into Baby Baileigh b/c she had a thumb nail that was torn down and needed to be cut. You would have thought we were trying to murder her. She kept crying out; "Put me to sleep! Put me to sleep!", which was kind of funny. I had to hold her while Davey worked on the fingernail. When Steven came in to see what was going on she yelled at him to get out. When I told him to go out of the room he decided that Bay's crying wasn't enough, he needed to get in on the action so he started screaming that we don't love him, we love her more, and he took off out the front door, in his bare feet! I went out after him, tried to talk him in, tried to drag him in, he weighs 77 lbs. I can't drag him in, so I left him for a while. When he didn't come in I finally did drag him in. Then he went in his room and started to bang on his wall with his hammer. Davey tried to talk to him but he wouldn't listen to him so finally Davey left for his board meeting at which time Steven moved into the bathroom where he attempted to lock the door, I hit it with my hip and broke the lock. I guess I'm lucky I didn't break my hip. Then I left him to yell while I went over spelling words with Bay. The next thing I knew he was rolling around on the dining room floor carrying on about "that stupid thing!". I don't know what the stupid thing is, but I sat on the floor with him and finally he quit, said he was sorry, repeatedly like he always does, and came out in the front room to have his snack. Life back to normal. And....I just finished the hot tea I made myself four hours ago. It was cold.

When things go wrong.......

as they sometimes do.
   This is so hard. Sometimes we handle things right, sometimes, not so much. Tonight was a not so much.
Baileigh had been pretty difficult all day long. She gets in these moods where she acts like a mini-teenager.
It worries me to think about what she'll be like when she actually is one if she gets this way now.
I had gone over to Dosh, gone to Dollar General and gotten gas while they were up at the Church mowing with Davey. A little peace and quiet time after our day at Chucke Cheese. 
    Everything was fine when I came home. I brought them both a coloring page for a contest they're having at one of the mini marts.Steven has always been a really good colorer, is that a word?, so Baileigh started saying how he was going to win, and I said that there were a lot of kids entering so the chances of actually winning were slim, but it would be fun anyway. She just went on and on giving Steven a hard time about it.
   Finally she was finished with hers for the night, Davey had gone up to the Church for a minute, or somewhere. He wasn't in the house anyway. Baileigh lay down on the couch and started to go to sleep so I was trying to get her to go change into her pjs and go brush her teeth. She reached out her hand for me to help her up and when she got up I warned her to be careful not to step on Stevens coloring page which was still on the floor. So, of course, Baileigh being Baileigh, she stepped right on it. I smacked her bottom and she was off, yelling at me and saying she hated me and was going to kill me. This was what Davey walked in on.
   And once in a while, the man who never loses his temper, loses his temper, and doesn't handle things as well as he should. Because we all do that from time to time. I do it more often than not. :)  He started trying to strong arm Baileigh, which never works. It just makes her tantrum worse. Then Steven got in on it b/c Davey was being mean to Baileigh. He wasn't being mean. He's never mean. He was just trying to discipline her, but as we both know, but sometimes forget, regular discipline doesn't work well on the twins.
   So, we have one child locked in the bathroom, yes, she locked herself in. Davey sitting in a chair in the dining room, still trying to handle her. Steven's in the front room with me, hands over his ears, yelling at Davey to leave Baileigh alone. And I'm getting upset with Davey b/c he knows this doesn't work.
Finally Davey goes outside. By this time Bay has come down and tells me she's sorry and she loves me. She wants me to rock her to sleep which I do while Steven, who is also calm now, goes to brush his teeth.   
   When Davey comes in he takes her to her bed. Steven hugs him and apologizes and I take him to bed. All is right with the world once more. Except that Davey's not talking to me and I am very, very, tired.

Letter from Mom.

    Today we got a letter from Mom. She is in jail for a few months. I didn't know at first if I really wanted to read it to the twins, but then did because they have the right to know what's going on. It is their life. I was afraid of how it would affect them.
     At first Baileigh was mad. Steven was very quiet. Baileigh has been having anger issues with her mom for a while now. She loves her but she is mad at her. I think both feeling together confuse her, and she doesn't know what to do with her anger so we get it. Thanks. :)  And there were things in the letter that made her angry. Promises her mom made that she finds hard to believe because promises have been made before and not kept, so she doesn't believe they will be kept this time. Why should she?
     The rest of the evening didn't go badly. Steven was fine. Baileigh had some issues but did okay with some extra attention and a large dose of patience.  At bedtime though Steven started crying when I was reading to him. When I asked him why he was crying he said he didn't want to die. I was reading Dr. Seuss, there was no mention of dying so I have no idea where that came from, but he was very upset. I just held him til he stopped crying and went to sleep.
      They did both color pictures for their mother which I will try to mail out tomorrow.
      The whole thing just makes me even sadder. She said she will do better when she gets out. I hope so, but like the children I have heard these promises before and find it hard to believe. I, like the children, would like to believe, but I'm afraid it will have to be proved to be believed. Words are easy. Actions, more difficult.

It makes me sad. :(

     I really never thought it would go like this. I wanted to believe that it would be different. That, when faced with the choice, they would choose their children, but they didn't.  I try to tell myself that they didn't do it on purpose, that it's because of their life circumstances, that it's because of their problems, but I just can't do it.
     There have been people who have said that I wanted this. I wanted the twins to be mine. That's just not true. I love the twins. We love the twins. And we do want them, now.  But, it was not planned.
     What I wanted, all those years ago, was for just one, either one, of their parents, to step up and be the Mom or Dad that all the children needed them to be. And it didn't happen.
     So here we are, 8 years later, and everything is still as messed up as it was in the beginning. And, now, because of the bad choices their parents have made, all the children are having problems as well.
     I don't have a lot more to say. Because it really doesn't matter what I say, nothing changes. We will continue to do what we have been doing for the last 8 years. We will love and care for the twins, and try to raise them to be different. Try to teach them to make good choices. Adults, parents, need to realize that the choices they make don't only effect them, they effect their children, and all those involved.

My Promise To The Twins:

I promise you both,
 and I know Dayday does too,
 we promise always to be here for you.
 Whether it's now, or in ten years, we will be here to love you, to hold you, to wipe away your tears.
We promise you our love will never, never end.
 Our love is a circle strong.
 It cannot break or bend.
We will not abandon you, we will not disown.
 We will not put our happiness above your own.
You will always be our children, blood and names cannot change that.
 It isn't blood that makes you ours, it's love, and that is that.
So you need'nt ever worry, we will  never disappear.
And if we leave you for a while, or you leave us, our love is always near.

Summer Almost Over - August 12, 2011

    I was going to wait til next week to write this blog. Haven't written anything in a long time. Since their birthday anyway.  
    Summer's almost over. School starts in a week. For the most part this has been a very good summer. For those of you who know, last summer was awful. We were having medication problems. Couldn't get Steven's meds figured out. He was having horrible meltdowns almost on a daily basis. Grandma had to get medication of her own to help her cope. When I went to sign the twins up for school last year, I cried to their teacher. I don't cry.
   Now skip ahead to this summer. Not perfect. But what is is this world? But good. So much better than the last. Our biggest problem this summer was probably the fact that Steven almost always has a friend to play with, and Baileigh rarely does. We need a little girl for a neighbor.
   But Baileigh and I have become good buddies. We did lots of crafts and baking. She helped with Reese and housework. She became an excellent reader.
   It was also a busy summer. We had two vacations. One with the Rigg family down to St. Louis for three days. We went to the Zoo, The Science Center, (which didn't thrill us), and The Children's Museum, which did thrill us. We also went to Fort Knox, KY to visit their Aunt, Uncle, and their two cousin for five whole days. We had a lot of fun there too.
   Along with our vacations we had Church Camp, which they went to by themselves, a first for them and Grandma; V.B.S., the Beardstown Park Districts Nature Camp, Story hour at the Library, and our very favorite extra curricular activity - Horse back riding lessons. We're not quite done with those yet.
   And the greatest thing of all, we have had very few behavioural problems. One would pop up now and then, but those are easily coped with.
   So summer's almost over, and while we are glad to have school start again, we are also glad to have had such a good vacation. Hope you all can say the same.

Dayday

    Tonight I feel like telling everyone about my wonderful husband. He is actually upset with me tonight b/c I said yes to his mother when she offered me a FREE trampoline and he doesn't want it b/c he's sure someone will get killed on it. Or at least break a limb. We are getting it anyway. The more things we have to keep the twins occupied the better off we are.
     But let me get back as to why he is wonderful. As everyone pretty much knows we were all set to be empty nesters when the twins came along. We were going to work on the house, much needed work. We were going to take off on weekends whenever we felt like it. We were going to rediscover what it means to be Davey and Karen.
    Then I announce that the twins are going to be living with us for a while. His first question was how long is a while? I said a week, a month, ten years, til they graduate from high school. :) He didn't say a negative word about it. He just became their Dayday. And he is a good one. He was good with the first two. He is better with these two. I think it's an age, mellow, issue. We are both, I think, more laid back about things. We have to be in order to handle things with the twins well.
    And many times when Grandma's patience has been all used up, even with the help of my little patience pill, Dayday steps in with all his even keelness and takes over.  The twins adore him. He is the only father they have ever really known and he is an excellent one.