10 things the twins have taught me.

1. Blood and dna do not necessarily make a family. Love does. 2. Sometimes God's plan for your life is different from your own. 3. God will give you what you need to do what you need to do. 4. Trials not only make you stronger. They also make your marriage stronger. 5. There are "friends ", and then there are friends. 6. You don't need a lot of friends. Just a few really good ones. 7. Looks can be deceiving. Just because a child looks "normal", does not mean they are. 8. Normal is a stupid word. 9. My life is not my own. To do with as I please. 10.God will make a way when there seems to be no way. He works in ways we cannot see. He will make a way for me.(Us)

4th of July

Silly me. I thought it would be nice to have the whole family over and I was so excited that everyone could make it. Derek, Gabrielle and the kids, Garrett and Shayla. We don't see them, Garrett and Shayla, very much, and I want to have a better relationship with them. So I invited and everyone came. I figured they kids could swim. We had sparklers and snakes tor later. Davey grilled out hamburgers, Gab brought a jello cake, all decorated with strawberries and blueberries, very pretty, and for a while, a little while, everything was tine. But then as usual everything was too much for both Baileigh and Steven and they started acting out, awfully. Steven went as far as to accuse me of not wanting them. He said I hated him, he hated me, and he wanted to live with his "other" mother. I know he didn't mean it. I told him I loved all of them. I know this is just one of those things that are just part of our life with the twins, but knowing it doesn't make it any easier. So much for us having "normal " get togethers. Normal's such a stupid word!

Progress being made.

I wrote a couple of weeks ago and wanted to write again to say that, while we are still mountain climbing, the mountain does not seem so steep or the climb so hard. We are doing much better for a number of reasons. One is that Steven himself is doing better. They have adjusted his meds., started him on one for bipolar, and our new counselor is very good. She makes is talk about our feelings, which isn't easy for Steven. He gets very agitated talking about the things he is angry about, but he needs to get it out so he doesn't explode. Our homeschooling is doing fine. He is actually very good about doing his work for me. Sometimes I need to remind him to go slowly, read the directions, and BE NEAT! But that's perfectly normal for a boy his age. We have decided to homeschool next year and although at first I dreaded it, I am beginning to order stuff and get excited. I did it once, I can do it again! I think a lot of the reason we are doing better is because I am handling it better. Nice how it always seems up to "Mom" to set the mood. But when I settle down and realize that this is the best way to handle our problems then it all seems to come together. I would continue to ask for your prayers as we continue our journey. Pray for Steven that he can work through his problems and grow stronger through them. Pray for Baileigh that she will come to understand her brother's problems, and come to terms with her own anger issues. And pray for Davey and I that we can continue to support and love them. Thanks.

Trying to figure it out.

For those of you who want to know what's been going on in the Shoe/Brann clan this is for you. If you don't want to know, stop reading now. Turn back. Do not pass go. The last few months have been crazy and depressing around here. In December the twins' mom got our of jail and I took them to her sister's to visit her. She had been in jail for 3 1/2 mos. more or less so except for two letters there had been no contact with her. When she got out she promised them things were "going to be different". You don't know how many times we have heard those words. She was going to have their older brother and sister. She was going to be living nearby and getting the twins every other weekend like she used to. What did happen was that within two days she had left her older two kids with her sister and moved to Springfield with the boyfriend that she had an order of protection against while she was in jail. Crazy! None of the promises were kept. Which is par for the course. Steven especially has had a horrible time coping with his mother's abandonment as he has always been very loyal to his mom. His behaviour everywhere, at school, at church, at home, has become increasingly alarming and hard to handle. I was going to put down some of the scarey things he has done but decided somethings need to remain silent for his sake. Let me just say that if you knew what he had been doing you would be as worried for him as we are. He has started to refer to me has mommy. Something he never did before and has gone as far as to say that he came out of my tummy, not his mothers. That is how upset he is at her, and at the same time he is upset with himself for being upset with her. We are doing all we can to take care of his problems. Right now he is homeschooling with me b/c his behaviour at school got so bad that they couldn't handle him. His teacher is being kind enough, b/c she is a kind woman, to put together his weekly lessons for us to do at home. We don't know at this point what we're doing for school next year. We will have to see how the summer goes. We have started a new counselor whom we see weekly and I am going to call about some special in home counseling. We went to the Dr. today and they have changed some of his meds around. Hopefully this all helps him. So if you see us and we are acting a bit stressed and unhappy, it's because we are. We are not made of steel. We hurt. We get tired. We, or at least I, cry. Because we love these children and want them to grow up to be healthy, happy adults who can function well in the outside world. We do trust that God will help us, be with us, sustain us, but that does not keep us from sometimes getting down. Remember the saying about walking in someone elses shoes? Well don't judge us til you've walked a mile in ours. We would ask that you pray for the twins, and pray for us. We are on a mountain climb and it is hard getting up there to the top.

The Need For Change

I am not happy with the way things are going right now. I feel like we are swimming against the flow and it is hard to tread water. I feel like we are in this all alone. No one really understands what's going on, including us. We are parents to children who are not our own. Children with many difficulties. Children whose future I feel responsible for, and worry about. I feel very little support from anyone outside my own front door. We are in this fight by ourselves. And it is a scarey and difficult fight. Sometimes I feel that I am doing everything wrong but I know I am doing all I can. Sometimes I wonder if God knew what He was doing when He gave us this responsibility. Of course He did He's God.God is in control and will give us what we need to do what is best for these children. I need to change the way I think. I need to believe that He will give us what we need to give these children what they need. I need to spend more time trusting and less time worrying. I know what I need to do, I just need to do it.

Feeling sad today

I think I really just need to cry but who has time for that? Surely soon it will go away and I'll feel better then I do right now. It's just that sometimes it's so very hard. This job I have been given to do. I love them so much and I try all the time, every  minute of every day to make the right decisions, to do the right thing. Sometimes I just get so tired.

Last night Steven has a major meltdown. He's had a rough few months. He seems to have so many problems. I worry about his future more so than Baileigh. She has her issues but nothing like him. He wanted me to take him to bed. It was Baileigh's turn for me to take her. He does this often and Baileigh usually lets me do it b/c if she doesn't he has a fit. But I didn't want her to do that. I love her too and I sometimes feel that she doesn't get her fair share of me, b/c I'm so busy with Steven. So I told him no, I was going to take her. Dayday would take him. And he threw a fit. He was crying, and screaming, kicking his bedroom wall, thrashing around on the bed. So I went in to try to calm him down. To comfort him. But by then he was beside himself. He wanted me in the room, but he was mad at me and wouldn't let me touch him.

Davey took Baileigh to bed. I sat in his room with him while he screamed that I didn't love him. Don't love him? How can he even think that when I have devoted my entire life to taking care of both of them? Finally we laid down but he was still crying. He couldn't stop. I tried to hold him. He didn't want me to. I told him I loved him. He didn't care.

Then, all of the sudden, like turning on a light switch, he was better. He came and lay close to me and let me touch him and tell him I love him. Then he said he knew I did, he turned over and went to sleep.

And now I am sad. And exhausted. And sad. Did I say that already? See? Even now I'm beginning to be better. :)

One of those nights!

Well, on one hand I think it's good b/c I haven't written on here since October 7th. That's almost two months since I've felt the need to blog and vent. But today was one of those days! Busy busy all day long and then when the twins came home it was busier busier busier. I swear I never sat down til supper time and everyone was having one of those nights. Baileigh had a meltdown and morphed into Baby Baileigh b/c she had a thumb nail that was torn down and needed to be cut. You would have thought we were trying to murder her. She kept crying out; "Put me to sleep! Put me to sleep!", which was kind of funny. I had to hold her while Davey worked on the fingernail. When Steven came in to see what was going on she yelled at him to get out. When I told him to go out of the room he decided that Bay's crying wasn't enough, he needed to get in on the action so he started screaming that we don't love him, we love her more, and he took off out the front door, in his bare feet! I went out after him, tried to talk him in, tried to drag him in, he weighs 77 lbs. I can't drag him in, so I left him for a while. When he didn't come in I finally did drag him in. Then he went in his room and started to bang on his wall with his hammer. Davey tried to talk to him but he wouldn't listen to him so finally Davey left for his board meeting at which time Steven moved into the bathroom where he attempted to lock the door, I hit it with my hip and broke the lock. I guess I'm lucky I didn't break my hip. Then I left him to yell while I went over spelling words with Bay. The next thing I knew he was rolling around on the dining room floor carrying on about "that stupid thing!". I don't know what the stupid thing is, but I sat on the floor with him and finally he quit, said he was sorry, repeatedly like he always does, and came out in the front room to have his snack. Life back to normal. And....I just finished the hot tea I made myself four hours ago. It was cold.