A Lot On My Mind/Or What's Left Of It LOL

Who was I before I was who I am now? I don't think I remember that person. What happened to the life I used to have? To the life I thought I would have? We all know the answer(s) to this. They're called the Twins, the Twinkies, the Kids. My life. That is what happened to my life, it became their life. Their lives? My whole world revolves around those children. What's going on with them? What's the best for them? And don't take me wrong. I love those children. I've loved them since before they were born. Since the first time I saw them on their mother's sonogram. Babies A & B. But life has become something I didn't know it would be. A struggle. Because they struggle. Because they have the difficulties that they have. Because their parents were and are still so messed up and that continues to effect them. It continues to effect us all. I'm not trying to be depressing. Although I spend a lot of my time sounding that way because I am. I am not sorry we made the choice we made, to take the twins. They need(ed) us and we believe it was God's plan for us to take care of them. To hopefully give them a good life. To do what's best for them. But it is so hard. It has taken over our lives. Mine and Davey's. And I love him for it. It was my idea in the first place. He just kind of went along for the ride. And boy what a ride it is. We had no idea at first that they had problems. As they got older they started to appear and when we look back we can see that they were there all along. We just didn't see it. We have no real life of our own like most people our age do. I have very few real friends. You know, the kind you do things with. Because most people my age are done raising kids. They're working, etc. Doing whatever it is people my age without kids do. I have no idea because I'm not doing it. I'm raising kids. Davey and I try not to be consumed by it all. But it's hard when there's medicine to be taken, Drs. and counselors to see, meltdowns to cool down. Children to love. We snatch whatever little moments we can and try to hold on to each other. But it is hard. I never ask why though? I know why. They are why.

Crazy!

This whole situation with the twins and their mother is driving me that way! I hear this from one person, this from another. I hear that this person said this about me, but when I talk to them I get something else. Their mother tells me one thing, then another. I am so tired of it! All I want to do is make sure everything is good for the kids. I guess that's all I've got. Geez, I'm just so tired of it all!

If anyone wonders....

    If anyone wonders why I am so fiercely protective of the twins, this should fill you in. For the third time in two weeks their mother has not shown up for a visit when she tells them she will. I don't remember what happened the first time, but last Saturday boy twin immediately got an attitude and the girl climbed up on my husband's lap, cried, and sucked her thumb. They are a few months short of eight. Sucking a thumb is not normal behaviour.
    And today was the worst. I was on the phone with her and yes, I said she would have to forgo the visit. Because it was already 5:00 and we had to have supper and bathes, we have school tomorrow. The boy literally jumped on top of me, I was sitting down, and was screaming at me and hitting me. "Tell her it's all right to come now. Tell her! Tell her!" It wasn't alright. There was no way it could be. She is at this moment living an hour and a half away. She wouldn't get her til near 7:00. They go to bed at 8:00. He got off of me but ransacked the house, tearing things up, throwing things around. Took a heavy mirror off the wall and threw it on the floor. All the time yelling at me. Telling me to call her back and let her come.
    The girl on the other hand was in her room, sitting on the floor with a picture of them and their mom that I actually took on Mother's Day last year, just bawling her eyes out.
     I finally let him call his mother back and she apologized and "promised" she would be here tomorrow after school. She had better be.
     I remember feeling fiercely protective of my own children just a few times in their lives. It was nothing like the way I feel about these two. Because I knew that no one was ever going to hurt them like these two have been, and continue to be hurt.

Growing up

     The twins never cease to amaze me. They have made such leaps in growth and are both starting to act so maturely, as a general rule. :)  I can't believe that we have had them with us for going on six years, and in just a few more months they will be 8 years old! No more car seats! I miss my baby twins but rejoice in the progress they have made and the maturity I see coming out in both of them.

God's plan, not our plan.

  Today is my baby boy's 24th birthday so of course I'm reminiscing. That time was not a good one in our lives. Davey and I were seperated. We had a two year old and I was pregnant with Garrett. For a while we didn't think we were going to make it. In fact on the day I had Garrett, who was two days early, I had an appointment with a divorce lawyer. Obviously I didn't make that appointment and afterwards I was too busy taking care of two children to think about a divorce, and I really didn't want one any way. I have always thought that God made Garrett come that day just so I wouldn't make it to that appointment. He didn't want us to get divorced either. It wasn't His plan. We've been married for almost 29 yrs. now.
  
   And then I think of the other time God's put His plan into action. When the twins came along. When I was first told about the twins impending birth I was not happy. They already had two children and they were already having problems. I remember thinking, great, two more kids for  me to take care of. Funny how prophetic that was.
But as soon as I saw the first sonogram and the two shrimpy looking babies, I fell in love. That was God working through me.

   And was it coincidence that when the time came for the twins to move in with us permanently our own children were grown and getting ready to fly away? No, once again it was God's plan.

   I have learned that while we may like to think that we are in control of our own lives, it is not true. God is in control, and if we only "Trust in Him", He will guide our paths. Sometimes that path is hard. When Davey and I were seperated and I had two young children to take care of, and had to go on Public Aid, I remember feeling like a drowning person, holding on to Jesus for my life. But He never let me go, and He never let Davey go, and so here we are. :)

So much more....

I am going to make this quick b/c it's nine o'clock and it's Davey and Karen time.
So much has been happening. Baileigh lost three teeth in two weeks, Steven just lost one today. He has gone on a growth spurt and now outweighs his sister by fifteen pounds. He's not heavy at all. You couldn't tell he weighed that much more. We went crazy with jeans for a while, but Aunt Linda came to the rescue. The best thing that has happened is that Bay made the decision to get baptized and was baptized this last Sunday. We are so proud of her. It makes me cry every time I think about it.

Tonight I am very frustrated and angry b/c I just found out that their mother got out of the hospital Friday and has made no attempt to call and talk to her children. She says she loves them soooo much but doesn't pick up the phone to talk to them. I'm sure part of it is b/c she doesn't want to face me. Well if she wants to talk to her children she's going to have to talk to me. What really makes me mad is that she's with her new boyfriend. Doesn't have time for her kids but has time for him.

She thinks she's going to get probation and move to Perry, where her exhusband lives with the other two children. That is just too close for me. I honestly wish she would just go away and leave them, and us, alone. All she does is hurt them. We work so hard to give them love and stability, and she messes them up.

And it also bothers me that she has caused me to change from someone who honestly cared about her, to someone who just wants her to go away. I know I need to pray for her, but I can't. I pray for the children.

So many things......

    The last month has been a busy, and strange one. I had some health issues, mostly due to my being to easily upset and anxious about things that are out of my control. I was having emotional and physical problems. They are getting better thanks to medication for both problems. I need to remember Who is in control. I should have reread my last blog b/c I don't even remember what it was about. So I will just recap what has been going on. The twins' mother was arrested, spent a week in jail before getting bailed out by her boyfriend. This upset me not only b/c of what she did to land there in the first place, but mostly b/c I didn't know how we were supposed to tell the twins this. "Oh, Mommy's in  jail and might go to prison. But don't let that upset you." How do you explain something like this to a couple of 7 yr. olds? Well, we didn't. When she finally got brave enough to call me, she said she wanted to explain things to the kids. It never happened first b/c the weather got bad and she couldn't get over here, and then b/c she took an overdose of sleeping pills?, and ended up in the hospital. She is now in a Behavioural Center for a few weeks. I don't know what will happen after that. I know she has to go back to court of course. She things she will get off on probation. We shall see. But it the meantime all we have told the twins is that mommy is sick and in the hospital. We're not going to say anything else until, and unless, we have to. They have been doing so well. I don't want her mistakes to set them back. It makes me so angry that she doesn't think about how her actions affect her children. But that is that.
     On the good side, I have started talking to one of their Aunt's on their mother's side. I am already good friends with their Aunt on their father's side. It seems like on both sides there is one good relative. Their older brother was having a b'day this last Sunday and I wanted the twins to be able to be there. Their older siblings are now living with their father. So I talked to the Aunt and asked her if she would like to take them to the party. She did and it all went well. It was the first time they had seen their father in months, which is an altogether different story which I will not go into now.
     And on the really good side, which makes me want to cry every time I think about it, Miss B, the girl twin, has made the decision to be baptized this coming Sunday! I am so excited. She had mentioned it to our daughter who had then mentioned it to me. I have just been waiting for her to bring it up, which she did last night in bed. She knows all the right reasons. She knows why she wants to do this. She is young but I believe she is ready.
    We wondered if her brother would want to follow suit when he heard about it, and wondered how we would handle that. He shouldn't just get baptized b/c his twin sister does. But although he was very proud of her, and said I should give her a dollar for it, he said he was not ready. I explained to him that that was fine. He will know when he is ready. It's different for everyone.
    So there we are. All caught up. It's been a whirlwind of ups and downs, but I love them and it worth fighting through the downs to get to the ups.